Here is January 24th and I have taken almost a whole month off from blogging. That was not really planned. No, there was not any major crisis that occurred the last two weeks and I am not any more busy than I am other times of the year (less so, actually).
I was reflecting on Everyday Mom and my life in general. I subscribe to many blogs and read wonderful posts. I have seen stay-at-home moms like myself turn blogging into a full fledged career with book deals, interviews, seminars etc. I had no aspirations when I started this blog. I wanted an outlet to write and remember some of the creative activities I do with my children. If I could get some perks along the way or reach out to other moms along the way…win, win.
Some blogs I read are focused. They center on frugal living, crafting, food, homeschooling, or couponing. Mine covers all these things (well except for maybe the couponing). Sometimes I feel like it is a potluck of too many topics. A blog with ADD.
But yet that is me. I love organized people. I adore them. I married one. Schedules, lists, cleaning jobs, laundry routines–I crave it. Yet a part of me fights it. That part is strong and she usually wins. Too often my life looks like how my attic does right now…a somewhat organized mess.
Back in October I tried to have a “Going Dark” day one day a week as I am very distracted by facebook, e-mail, and the computer in general. It proved to be a good thing–I got housework completed in record time. But I realized how much I use the computer for day to day things like looking up addresses, researching news articles, ordering products etc. Did it make sense to put all these things off for a day? Not when I need to look up an address for someone’s house because I have to be there in a few hours or that I have to register my daughter for swim lessons on a certain day?
Through this experiment and learning more about my anxiety, I discovered that I put off doing what I SHOULD be doing (like laundry, vacuuming etc.) and do what I WANT to do. I am relaxed by things I WANT to do (like facebook, running, reading a good book) versus what needs to be done.
Before I do anything I don’t want to do (or am unsure about) I fight a little bout of anxiety. Sometimes when I need to write an article it takes me 45 minutes to focus and get in the zone before I can begin. Once I get into it, I fly with it. Word and phrases come naturally. It is the initial “start-up” where I am trapped.
And it’s not solely with writing. It with other things…such as housework, craft projects, making dentist/doctor appointments, meal planning, etc. Sometimes it is the simple task of beginning a new day. Some mornings I get out of the bed at the latest possible minute I can without causing everyone to run late on my account. It’s not the “my bed is warm and cozy and I want to stay in it” nor is it “I’m so tired because I’m not getting enough sleep.” It is that I don’t want to start the day because it is uncertain. What will it bring? Once I get a chance to wake up, get my morning coffee and bowl of oatmeal–I’m fine. Again it is the initial “start up.”
The past two weeks I have been praying fervently that God would cast away that “morning anxiety” and give me a spirit of motivation. I am happy to say the past couple mornings I have awoken before the alarm ready to start the day. I have even gone to morning classes at the gym and maintained my triathlon training routine. I know we cannot base everything on feelings because they change quite often. I am continuing to pray that I find healthy ways to combat my anxiety and push through it even on bad mornings.
One of my New Years resolutions was to be more disciplined and organized…and waste less time. For me that is not maintaining a sparking clean house (it’s just not possible with little ones running around) but rather fight distractions so I can do what needs to be done FIRST. Here it is Day #24 of the year and I have probably failed more days than I have succeeded. Understanding how easily distracted I am and accepting it is helping me deal with it. I find myself throughout the day saying, “OK I am doing Task #1 right now, then what will I do next? What needs to be done this afternoon–what can wait until tonight?” It does not come naturally to me at all. LIke I said, I love the scheduled people who sees it and does it.
With running, you train and train until you can accomplish long races. It doesn’t come with the first run. I hurt all over and want to quit. As your muscles get stronger, you learn proper form, and your brain tells your body to keep moving–it becomes automatic. I am hoping my disorganized, out of focus routines can become a little more structured in 2013.