I came from a generation (like many of you) where sex was not discussed. It was too personal to talk about. Unfortunately many of us got an education from the neighbor kids or MTV. I am grateful that my school had a Biblically based sex education program taught by a woman I liked and respected, but much of it was the biology, the mechanics, and what happens to our bodies during puberty. Many of us were handed a booklet, encouraged to read it, and come back with questions. I honestly felt like everyone (my friends, cousins, the neighborhood kids) knew much more than I did. I often did not ask questions because I felt inferior and embarrassed.
In high school sexual discussions were about abstinence and “saving yourself” for marriage. We were encouraged to wear purity rings or fill out certificates. Our youth leaders put a tremendous amount of pressure on us girls to “keep the men in line” and “just say ‘no.’” Men were referred to as “light switches” and women “as curling irons.” I like the second episode of the first season of Glee when Rachel says, “You want to know a dirty little secret they don’t want you to know. Girls want sex just as much as boys do.”
I appreciated our teachers and youth leaders’ intentions.
But I went into marriage as so many Christian women do–ignorant.
The first thing us women need to know about sex is simply is: It’s for you too.
It’s for your pleasure and your enjoyment. It helps you be closer to your man in a way no other person on this earth can. It’s a way to connect on an physical, emotional, spiritual level beyond what you will share with anyone else.
If you are not enjoying it, please do not think there is something mechanically or mentally wrong with you. The vulnerability of sex might be difficult for you and it might be necessary to talk to your spouse or a counselor about this. You might not even know what you like and what triggers your ultimate pleasure. It may take time (and some creativity and spontaneity) to discover that. If you are too tired or exhausted, you might need to communicate to your spouse you need more help around the house, time away from the kids, or intimacy at a different time of day (there is no rule you have to be intimate right before bed–sometimes for young parents this is the worst time of day).
The truth is if you are holding back, your spouse is missing out. Not only that, but you are too. I believe that is not God’s intention for sexual pleasure. He created sex between a husband and wife NOT just for reproduction, but to create a closeness that cannot be mimicked in any other relationship. My prayers are we wives, can be the best we can be–outside the bedroom and in it.
